I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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