Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
