you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
