Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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