saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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