It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
