Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
