How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
