woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
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