the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
