Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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