So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
