i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
