You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
