My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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