You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize