she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
