Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
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