If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
