Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize