I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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