So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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