You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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