when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize