Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
