I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
operation have a gay friend backfired
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
