I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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