he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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