the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
