Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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