We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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