Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
