How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
