My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
