i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
