Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
