you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
