This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
