how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
