Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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