Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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