I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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