Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
