dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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