I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
