i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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