well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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