somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
