I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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