omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
