i jhust puked up my retainher.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
