Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
