My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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