Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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