Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
