I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
