I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
