I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
