I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
