when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize