airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
As shirtless as possible
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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