Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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