so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
