One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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