it was like eating out sand paper
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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