I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
