Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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