I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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